Moving on with grief

 

THIS week I am writing about a sad event that happened just five years ago this week.

ONE of my good friends took his own life on the evening of the 23rd June 2021, I tried to prevent what he did, but really, he was always going to do it, no matter how hard I tried to prevent it. And I suppose, sometimes, you just have to let people go, if that is ultimately what they want to do?

The photo I have used today is one that David sent me, only a matter of months before he left us. It had walked in to his office and he decided to share the experience with me. He didn't really have any other friends, and he wasn't one for sharing things like this particularly, but it was the strange time of COVID lockdowns and he was quite isolated.

I met David at the touring park campsite which he managed. I would stay there sometimes for a bit of a chillout weekend and do some writing. We made friends, and then I would occasionally work there for him as a gardener, doing weeding, pruning and pesticide application in the grounds. We were a strange friendship, but understood each other well, and in that time he shared with me the horrendous hardship that was his life. 

I was thinking today, and also talking to my Mum about what happened, and I have come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done anything different regards David than what I did. And so in that respect I know that I am not a bad person. 

When he first approached me to tell me that he was thinking of taking his life, he told me how he was going to do it, and even bought the things he needed to do it. And As well as being annoyed with him for even considering it, I was also at that point annoyed with him for sharing that information with me. Because as soon as he did that, I felt responsible for his life. And I still feel like that was unfair of him, and for a fair while I believed it to be a cry for help, and so tried to make his life feel better for him.

I gave him the project to help me format and publish my book, I thought that giving him some self-worth it may change his mind and he may forget about it. He even told me at one point that he was feeling better and had got rid of the things that would help him die. This was a lie sadly.

Tell me now, what would you have done in my situation? Just said, okay then, crack on mate, your choice don't worry?

At this point I am going to leap to 2022, and a local news report after the coroners court verdict.

My name appears in this because along with being David's only friend, he wrote to me from the grave! 

A couple of weeks after his death I received an email from him, timed of course to be released then by him (he did love his technology!) explaining in detail why he took his life, and even how it would happen. 

This was forwarded to the police as evidence of how he died and why, and used in the court.

On reading this article, I found that people had passed comment on the article, nothing new there, people do that all the time. And I have refrained from responding to the comment, but I shall share this with you now, see the photo below.

I was more than a bit upset at being called a 'do-gooder' and the manner in which it was written made me angry.

I can't think that 'Millbridge15' has ever been put in a position like it in their life, and so to comment like that is unfair, but after talking to my husband, people say nasty things like that all the time and I should ignore it.

Easier said than done, and as I've already stated, I wouldn't have done anything differently knowing what I know now, because I also know that David passed happier because he helped me succeed in a dream to publish my book before he left. So Millbridge15 shove that up your derriere! 

There is so much involved when someone takes their own life, and I did feel entirely responsible and guilty after David died because I couldn't prevent it. We are told to do all we can to help people with their mental health, but David didn't have any mental health problems, he had physical health problems and life problems and had just had enough. And so, if you are reading this and you feel guilt or responsible for something similar, then don't, you are not responsible for anyone else's life other than your own. We make our decisions and live, or die with the consequences.

WHERE is my up beat blog I hear you ask? That's my usual stance I know, but I feel there is a message here to everyone, we are all responsible for our own lives, and as much as we care about friends and family, if they really don't want to be here there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop them. We just have to let them go.

I'm going to finish this blog today with some words that David wrote to me in the email 'from the grave!' Because they are so poignant, and now David can rest in peace, and forever be the legend that got my first ever book published for me. (available on Amazon!) 

Here's David............

'Please keep your promises,

1. Don't cry

2. Keep on running and fundraising for charity

None of us lives forever so please be whoever you want and do whatever you want to do.'

So, I broke promise number one, and I am back on number two!

Rest in peace David Law, a true and loyal friend.