Mental Heath Awareness Month - coercive control

 

SERIOUS topic this week, which I've been putting off, but, with Mental Health Awareness Month upon us, I thought that now, would be appropriate.

The topic is - COERCIVE CONTROL.

"Continuous patterns of behaviour that are intended to exert power or control over a survivor."

Here are some examples......

- Taking control over where you go.

- Taking control over people you see, alienating you from friends and family that threaten their dominance over you.

- Telling you what to wear, how to dress, how to do your hair and make-up etc.

- Influencing body dysmorphia suggesting cosmetic surgery, or following diet and extreme exercise regimes.

- Depriving you of support and medical attention.

- Humiliating, degrading you and making you feel worthless.

- Gaslighting - brainwashing, making you question your own mental stability.

- Physical abuse to you, or others you care about, including pets.

QUESTION - Why am I writing about this in particular?

ANSWER - Because I am generally a kind and caring person, who thinks they can fix  the broken ones, and this 'weakness' lead me to be taken in by a narcissist. Although, I would go as far as to say, he wasn't just suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, he was a psychopath.

It's taken me a long time now to do this blog, and I want as many people as possible to read this, so it doesn't happen to others. My friends would say to me (after events happened) 'but you're such a strong person! I can't imagine you putting up with that.' It's very easy to say that to another, and yes, I am strong, but I was being manipulated by a complete psychopath, I feared that he would hurt me even more.

In fact, it took me over 2-years of 'plucking up courage' to end it finally, because I was so scared of what he would do to me if I ended it. 

'Victims' like me, we don't see the big picture. We are too involved, too wrapped up in the narcissist to see anything else. Your friends and family will see it. They will dislike your choice of partner, they will see you physically and mentally waste away to nothing. They will see the fear in you, they will listen to your excuses as you slowly drift away from those friendships, being alienated from everyone.

I'm going to mention someone now, who saw everything, who knew everything, they never judged me, but supported me every single day I was with the abuser. My good friend Keiley. She took my excuses, listened to my sadness, and believed in my escape, supporting it. I just wish that every victim of coercive control has their own Keiley, because, honestly, I really don't know where I would be now without her at that time.

Even when it was over, and I was too scared to leave my house at night, Keiley would walk the half hour round trip to make sure I got the dogs out for a wee at bedtime. I don't think I have thanked her enough for what she did in those times for me.

What do I hope to gain from this blog? I would love that more people can spot the signs of abuse in their friends and family, but NOT JUDGE, just make sure that they are on standby, be watchful. Someone in the thick of abuse won't see it, or if they do, they will deny it, to all, including themselves.

You can't say to someone who is being abused, 'that person you are with is destroying you, leave them today, don't be silly!' It won't work, because the abused has become dependant on the abuser. How could they leave them? They need me! You just have to be patient, and supportive.

Looking back at what I suffered, I really think that's all you can do, support. BUT if you see anything that is life-threatening  or dangerous for your friend, then report it. You may be afraid for your friend's safety, but the way domestic abuse is dealt with these days is a much safer and softer approach than it was when I was in the thick of it. It does get sorted these days. Don't be afraid to report your worries to a relevant authority. But MOST importantly, just be there, because you may up being the only person left to trust in that person's life.

THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY.

- Personality changes - becoming quiet and withdrawn.

- Cancelling plans frequently.

- Loss of weight/diets/fad pills etc.

- Change in appearance, different clothes, hair, make-up etc.

- Loss of money.

- Trouble at work.

- Broken friendships and family arguments.

- Loss of confidence.

- Withdrawal from society.

- Injuries/bruises etc.

AND remember, YOU will spot the narcissist, your friend would have already been taken in, unless you get in very very early and don't get taken in by the narcissist yourself.

I wanted to write this as part of Mental Health Awareness Month because I wanted you to know that there is life after.

I am now happily married to someone who I trust completely to let me be my best self, who encourages me in all ways that help create my happiness and is a total support. He even copes with my weird dress-sense. I survived hell and found my heaven in a person. However, it took a long time, I mean years, and still now, very occasionally something will trigger a fear in me. Nothing done on purpose, sometimes just a sound or action, but I tell my husband and we work through it together. I still apologise for things on an almost daily basis, such as apologising in advance if dinner isn't wonderful. Sorry for not doing some jobs about the house I didn't have time to do. But I am getting better, slowly.

If you are reading this and can relate to it, maybe you are stuck in a narcissistic relationship and want to get out? DO IT! ASK for HELP, get support, and go! The Police were a great help eventually with me when I finally got away and they could help you too. If you are out the other side - awesome! Continue progress and make happiness for yourself.

If you know someone who needs helping, try your best. Everyone needs their own Keiley.

Stay safe and happy :)